Another fight. Yet another long, lonely night. You keep playing things over in your mind. It was worse this time. He even said the "D" word. How did it come to this? Does he really want a divorce? But just yesterday things seemed so good! It's all so confusing and so hurtful.

Before deployment, before combat and before PTSD, I'm sure we had countless arguments over the typical things - money, parenting and sex. Not making enough, not doing enough, not having enough -- pretty normal stuff. Then PTSD entered our relationship, and things became different. There was no such thing as a "minor" argument. It's like we lost our ability to communicate and we didn't know how to just talk anymore. Every issue became a big deal, so much so that the "D" word made frequent appearances. It took quite a bit of time and effort (as well as both individual and couples counseling) to help us get back on track. Now our marriage is stronger than ever. It continues to be hard work, but is well worth it and the rewards are endless.

If you have had such conversations or struggled with similar issues, you are not alone. Rather, it seems to be an all-too-common theme among returning vets and their families. Perhaps it's part of the fight vs flight mode. They fight (or try to ‘command') INSERT INTO wp_posts (ID, post_author, post_date, post_date_gmt, post_content, post_title, post_category, post_excerpt, post_status, comment_status, ping_status, post_password, post_name, to_ping, pinged, post_modified, post_modified_gmt, post_content_filtered, post_parent, guid, menu_order, post_type, post_mime_type, comment_count, vb_threadid) VALUES but cannot communicate or can't quite get their point across, so they become overwhelmed and frustrated. This makes them want to flee the scene. He could push you away to test you and see just how much you will take, how you will respond, and if you really love him enough to fight for him or if you will give up and walk away. Other times he is worried that if you find out what a horrible person he is, you will leave him, so he would rather beat you to the punch. He believes that if you knew the truth about him and all the awfulness that has happened to him, you wouldn't love him anymore. So rather than face that, he does a 'pre-emptive strike' - and causes pain in order to avoid the pain of you abandoning him.

Some wives report that their spouse talks about divorce, yet doesn't act like he really wants one. He talks to her, holds her hand, takes her out and even makes love to her only to again mention divorce the following day, which is of course extremely confusing and frustrating for her. She can see by his actions that he loves her and wants to be with her, yet he doesn't seem to know that himself.

Often, this is part of the isolation and numbing symptoms of PTS, wanting on some level to just be left alone so they don't have to feel their feelings, worry about their own emotions or yours, or deal with the complicated issues marriage can bring. Because he is so numb, he may not feel the love he used to feel, which can cause him to question things.

What he may not realize is that he doesn't really feel anything the way he used to, which is a symptom of PTS, not a reason to break up. However, he is looking for an answer - something or someone to blame for his emptiness. In addition, he may believe that divorce is inevitable, so may push the issue just to get it over with. He may get ‘tunnel vision' and not realize there are other options such as just choosing not to fight back, learning new ways to communicate, asking for some space, or if things are really too much, spending a few days apart. But it doesn't have to be so final.

There is no need to rush major decisions like this and your relationship does not have to be another casualty of the war.

While separation and divorce may be all-too-common topics in your relationship, most couples really can get through these difficult times. Sometimes you need a good fight to bring out whatever the real issues are that can be buried deep inside. Other times, realizing the dire consequences makes each see how much they care about their partner and helps them realize it is time to seek counseling. Talking with a good therapist can make a world of difference and it certainly couldn't hurt. Isn't your marriage worth another chance?